There are just so many reasons for me not to do this. I know that, because you’ve told me before. You’ve told me I don’t look like the popular faces on Instagram and You Tube. You’ve told me that I have nothing to say. You’ve told me that I’m too old and that I’m just a mom. And because you’ve told me those things, I started to tell myself those things and even worse, I started to believe they were true.
Well today that stops. I might have to ‘fake it till I make it’ with the believing in myself part, but I’m going to do this and see what happens. If you aren’t interested, that’s okay. You actually don’t have to be. You do not have to care about me at all. I am perfectly fine with that.
However, please don’t feel the need to leave shitty comments below just to get a reaction. You’ll be sorely disappointed. Just go away. Go and tell all your friends about the fat forty year old mom from suburbia who thinks people care what she has to say. Feel really amusing and good about yourself for a second and I’ll just be here building a community of people who DO care. About themselves. About one another. Who want to give and share support.
Okay so now it’s just us.
It’s all true that I’m not your ‘typical’ Instagram bikini babe. But I actually never claimed I was…or set out to be one so I guess that argument is redundant. I DO have things to say. There are plenty of things I care about and have an opinion on. Because when you’re old and a mom, you have seen and done stuff and you most definitely have things to say!!!
I also know that when you get to be 40 you realize that you’ve lived a lot. You may have started off thinking that 40 was old, but once you make it here you have another realization. It’s not old. You might have a creak here or a wrinkle there, but you don’t feel old and yet, you also know that there is a real finish line and you don’t want to piss away the next 40 years like you just may have done the first.
And here you are at the metaphorical crossroad of life. Decision time baby. You can go straight ahead. Change nothing. Be perfectly happy living your life, rolling with the punches and being perfectly accepting of the destiny you’ve been moving towards since day one. And you know what, that’s fine. If you are happy and you’re living the life you want…keep going. Bravo. I am truly happy for you.
If you aren’t happy going forward though, you’re going to have to turn.
You can take a left and try and recapture your youth. Party, play, hang out with 20 year olds. Buy a red convertible or a motorcycle. Find a younger partner and kill yourself trying to keep up until you’re sixty and you find yourself at the next crossroad.
I’m at my crossroad now.
I can’t turn left. I’m a mother, a wife…it’s not just about me. Besides, left just isn’t my thing. I can see straight ahead…it’s not terrible, but it’s not looking super exciting either. A lot would have be left untried and unfulfilled. My passions would have to remain hobbies. My dreams would always be ‘I wonders.’ It’s safe though. Pretty much.
Then there’s right. The road to the right looks pretty uncharted. I see past the smooth start and it looks bumpy. Is that a huge tree across the road ahead? There’s a corner down there a little way. I can’t see it clearly yet, but it looks like it might be a smoother ride once I get to it….although that might take a little work and time. At least it looks as thought it could be interesting down there…
And so I’m turning right. I’m fucking forty and I’m turning right. And I’m crying and fighting and my heart is beating hard and I can’t sleep and I’m going to do it anyway.
This blog - and everything I create to go with it - are my way of documenting my journey and along the way, to share the highs and lows with you. To inspire you and be motivated by you. Share your own crossroads choices. Did you turn right? What happened next?
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