be the change

When you turn right, you get start again because you’re clearing your mind of what you can and can’t do. You’ve accepted that you weren’t okay with continuing as you were and that changes have to be made. 

This is where you have to realize that you have a blank page. Without wanting to sound weird about it, take up your pencil and draw your picture. Sketch the life and self that you want. Do you have to be realistic? Well yes and no. You can’t be Meryl Streep because she already exists, but do you want to act? You can do that. Do you want to ride a horse? Learn a language? Change your career? Start a business? Yes. Yes. Yes! You can do those things. You don’t have to want to be a millionaire. You don’t have to want to be the next Steve Jobs. Whatever it is that matters to you - even if it’s only you - do it. Try it. Be it.

But don’t wait for it to just happen. You have to make an effort. You also have to be aware. When you start to notice what’s around you, you’ll start to see opportunities present themselves when you are least expecting them.

We’ve all heard that admitting you have a problem is the first step. I’m sorry, but I have to call BS on that one. I admitted I was too fat to eat a second piece of cheesecake once, but did that make me thin? Obviously not. All it did was give me something to feel bad about while I ate a second piece of cheesecake! The real first step is not when you realize you need to make a change, but when you actually TAKE ACTION. 

Mahatma Gandhi said that you should be the change you want to see in the world. I believe that he meant that in a more global sense, but each one of us can also be the change we want to see in ourselves. It’s time to inspire ourselves and to look inward for the strength and motivation to make even just the first step towards the future we imagine. Along the way we will need help and support from our families, friends, communities….but that first step has to come from within. 

I’m making changes in my life to improve my health. I’m working on building a business that will allow me to help support my family without needing a ‘proper’ job! Most of all I’m working on making the changes that will make me happy and fulfilled. Working on the things that I love will make me happy. A happy me will want to take better care of her health. A healthy happy me will be a better wife and mother. Everything we do and feel really does impact other parts of our lives…and the lives of people around us. When those are the people we love the most, we owe it to us and to them to be the best and happiest version of ourselves we can.

When I made my right turn I knew that I would need help and support. I also knew that sometimes that couldn’t come from my family or my friends because their experiences are different than mine. If you find yourself needing support on your journey, please leave a comment and let me know so that I can reach out to you.

time to turn

There are just so many reasons for me not to do this. I know that, because you’ve told me before. You’ve told me I don’t look like the popular faces on Instagram and You Tube. You’ve told me that I have nothing to say. You’ve told me that I’m too old and that I’m just a mom. And because you’ve told me those things, I started to tell myself those things and even worse, I started to believe they were true. 

Well today that stops. I might have to ‘fake it till I make it’ with the believing in myself part, but I’m going to do this and see what happens. If you aren’t interested, that’s okay. You actually don’t have to be. You do not have to care about me at all. I am perfectly fine with that. 

However, please don’t feel the need to leave shitty comments below just to get a reaction. You’ll be sorely disappointed. Just go away. Go and tell all your friends about the fat forty year old mom from suburbia who thinks people care what she has to say. Feel really amusing and good about yourself for a second and I’ll just be here building a community of people who DO care. About themselves. About one another. Who want to give and share support.

Okay so now it’s just us. 

It’s all true that I’m not your ‘typical’ Instagram bikini babe. But I actually never claimed I was…or set out to be one so I guess that argument is redundant. I DO have things to say. There are plenty of things I care about and have an opinion on. Because when you’re old and a mom, you have seen and done stuff and you most definitely have things to say!!!

I also know that when you get to be 40 you realize that you’ve lived a lot. You may have started off thinking that 40 was old, but once you make it here you have another realization. It’s not old. You might have a creak here or a wrinkle there, but you don’t feel old and yet, you also know that there is a real finish line and you don’t want to piss away the next 40 years like you just may have done the first.

And here you are at the metaphorical crossroad of life. Decision time baby. You can go straight ahead. Change nothing. Be perfectly happy living your life, rolling with the punches and being perfectly accepting of the destiny you’ve been moving towards since day one. And you know what, that’s fine. If you are happy and you’re living the life you want…keep going. Bravo. I am truly happy for you.  

If you aren’t happy going forward though, you’re going to have to turn. 

You can take a left and try and recapture your youth. Party, play, hang out with 20 year olds. Buy a red convertible or a motorcycle. Find a younger partner and kill yourself trying to keep up until you’re sixty and you find yourself at the next crossroad. 

I’m at my crossroad now.

I can’t turn left. I’m a mother, a wife…it’s not just about me. Besides, left just isn’t my thing. I can see straight ahead…it’s not terrible, but it’s not looking super exciting either. A lot would have be left untried and unfulfilled. My passions would have to remain hobbies. My dreams would always be ‘I wonders.’ It’s safe though. Pretty much.

Then there’s right. The road to the right looks pretty uncharted. I see past the smooth start and it looks bumpy. Is that a huge tree across the road ahead? There’s a corner down there a little way. I can’t see it clearly yet, but it looks like it might be a smoother ride once I get to it….although that might take a little work and time. At least it looks as thought it could be interesting down there…

And so I’m turning right. I’m fucking forty and I’m turning right. And I’m crying and fighting and my heart is beating hard and I can’t sleep and I’m going to do it anyway.

This blog - and everything I create to go with it - are my way of documenting my journey and along the way, to share the highs and lows with you. To inspire you and be motivated by you. Share your own crossroads choices. Did you turn right? What happened next?